The Angel on My Tree

This is not meant to be a downer post. I apologize ahead of time that it may seem that way, but I need to work through some emotions tonight. I've said many times that I blog for two reasons: one being to record life, the other for my own therapeutic reasons. Tonight it is the latter.

The Christmas season, beautiful as it is, is a time of reflection for me. If you read my blog, most likely you know this story. I need to tell it again though. For me. In September of 1998 we had just moved to Rockdale from the valley and were settling into a new ministry. Conner was 3 years old and while we had discussed having another baby, there were no immediate plans. As is often the case, God had other plans. We were excited and somewhat shocked when we found out that a new Briley was expected that following May. With the exception of some intense migraines early in the pregnancy, all seemed well. I chose an obstetrician, Dr. A., in College Station and we laughed that it was only fair that this baby be born in College Station since Conner was born in Austin. Because of the serious problems that I experienced with my previous pregnancy, my doctor was watching things very closely. In November, at a routine ultrasound, we were excited to see the baby developing as expected. Arms, legs, a beating heart...tiny but perfect--we thought. The doctor was concerned that the baby might have an intestinal problem, that things weren't as they should be. We were stunned and prayerful as we left with an appointment to return mid-December for a follow up ultrasound. One month later...an incredibly beautiful, cold and clear December day. We left Conner with a friend from church who kept him while I taught (Head Start back then) and drove the hour to my OB appointment. I remember so many things from that day--in amazing detail. My doctor, who was also expecting and due one month before me, met us with a smile. She had reviewed the ultrasound over and over, had consulted with other doctors, and the consensus was that everything was fine. She left the room and the technologist started the examination--we were so relieved and even a little hopeful that we would find out the baby's gender...though it was a little early to do so. I can still see the smile fading from her face, the look of concern that replaced the cheerful banter. "Have you been feeling okay? Any problems?" I assured her that this second trimester was going great--fewer headaches, nausea under control. She called the doctor in and they quietly studied the screen--it seemed like an eternity. Finally, with tears in her eyes Dr. A. told us that there was no heartbeat. Disbelief, pain like no other. The rest of the day was a blur, though I have some vivid details that remain to this day. She felt that it would be in my best interest to not be an hour away and have to go through the process of miscarriage, especially as I was at week 16. We needed to stay in College Station until later in the afternoon so that I could have the procedure. Not really knowing what else to do, we went to the A&M Church hoping that one of the ministers (and our friend) was there. He was not, but we were graciously allowed to use his office to call our families and make arrangements. The rest of that day, and the days, weeks, and months following were quite a journey. Grief is a process, to be sure--and every year at Christmas, and again in May, I realize that grief is not finite. With God's help, a loving and supportive husband, wonderful friends and family--I made it through the toughest part. But it never REALLY goes away. The ornament in the picture is on our tree every year. A small crystal angel that reminds us of another little angel, whole and complete--waiting to meet us.

'Twas the Stretch Before Christmas...

Yeah. Already. I was working on tweaking some lesson plans tonight and sort of had a panic attack. These three weeks upcoming have the potential to be many things. Magical? Sure. I really do get excited with and for the kids. I love decorating the classroom and my house-I love the lights, music, everything. Stressful? Afraid so. SO many commitments and things that I really want to accomplish but so little time it seems. Depressing? Mmmhmm. In case you hadn't noticed, we live in a troubled world. This is Russell's first year to be a full-time employee on the unit. He has been duly warned that we are in the middle of prime suicide time. This is also a difficult time for many of the children and families that I work with. Stinks, but it is true.

So what do we do? How do we cope? This is just a short list of things that I thought of while trying to calm my own panic--maybe it will help you too.

1. Slow down. I know, I know...physician heal thyself. But this weekend I did slow down a bit, had a little "me time" and it helped. I promise myself that I will spend some quiet time by the Christmas tree this year. Soft music, twinkling lights...and this time I won't be noticing the gaps without ornaments or how crooked the top of my tree is.

2. Forget about perfection. I mean really, REALLY forget about it. It's unobtainable and highly overrated. I was looking at props for our kindergarten play the other day and thinking that I should re-do all of them because they're a little worn. How ridiculous is that? And anyway, most of my students big brothers and sisters and cousins wore the same costumes and used the same props--they have sentimental value.

3. Do what is most important. Guess what? Not everything is that important when you really get down to it. For years I felt compelled to have an open house during the holidays. In reality, I didn't enjoy the extreme stress involved in getting my home ready to be "open"--and our friends probably saw it as one more obligation during a busy season. My Girls Only ornament exchange is something that is really important to me and my friends--so it stays! Easy as that. Oh, and bonus: These are women who know and love me and they expect my house to look like a busy woman resides in it.

I'll stop there because long lists stress me. Hope the holiday season is joyful for you and yours.

21st Day of Thanks

There isn't a concise title for this day of thankfulness. So I'm just going to throw it out there. I am thankful that I feel better than I have in weeks, actually months...maybe even years. I started noticing something during the week last week--I was ready for bed early every night, and I gave in to it but I also noticed that I felt better in the mornings. Hmmm. This weekend instead of wanting to sleep all the time, I accomplished a couple of pretty major projects. There is a spring in my step--my mind feels clearer. My best guess about what is going on is that at my physical a couple of months ago my blood work showed that I was SERIOUSLY vitamin D deficient. I was given a prescription of 50,000 iu's of vit. D to take once a week for 6 weeks. Tonight is my 5th dose and maybe I'm crazy, but I think it is making a difference. A big difference. Whatever it is that is happening, I just know that I am really, really thankful.

Day 17--I'm Thankful for the Hearts of Children

Yes, I took a two day hiatus. My heart was thankful, but my body was tired and the writing spark just wasn't there. But here's some food for thought.

This week in kindergarten our social studies unit is about wants and needs. We are also talking about Native Americans and Pilgrims, so I introduced the lesson today by reviewing/discussing what the Pilgrims needed when they made the voyage and established their new home. Yesterday my students found pictures in magazines of things that they want, and things that they need. I watched them but didn't comment on what they were cutting out. Today we sat on the floor with a poster board labelled "Wants" and "Needs" and I gave each student their pictures to glue in the appropriate column. I knew one little boy had cut out a picture of a stained glass window with the image of a cross. I was curious, but didn't ask. When his turn came to glue his picture on our project today, this is the conversation that evolved:

"What is it?"

"A church."

"Is it a want or a need?"

Incredulous look, followed by this. "A need."

"Why is it a need?"

"Because we need God. We need Him to protect us. We need church to teach us what's right and wrong. It's a need."

And that was that. These precious 5 year-old hearts amaze me. I'm not going to argue with that reasoning. I'm just not. And that's why, if you happen to walk down the hall and see kindergarten's work hanging on the wall--you will see a stained glass window and a cross amidst the carrots, milk, clothing, and houses that they cut out. Because they know what they need...and that is something for all of us to be thankful for.

Day 14--The Family of God

I am thankful for my church family today. We are a family made up of imperfect individuals. We can be slightly dysfunctional at times, but we enjoy one another's company, we take care of each other, we laugh together, we cry together. They are among the first people I call during a crisis, or to share in good times. I am very blessed to have some of my church family in my workplace. We are not many in number, but we make up for it in love. And for that I am thankful.

Day 13

Hmmmm......it isn't always easy to write during the month of Thanksgiving blog thing. Some days there are literally TOO MANY blessings to choose from. Other days I struggle to come up with anything at all. Not that there aren't things...my heart just gets hardened. Today, I couldn't decide. Here's a mid-month Thanksgiving montage.

I'm definitely thankful that my sweet Mom is at home tonight--and that her heart is fine. I'm thankful that Michelle unselfishly stayed up late last night cleaning house and doing laundry so Mom wouldn't have to. I'm thankful that I got to spend some time with my loving husband today. That doesn't happen often these days. I'm thankful that Caleigh has great friends that she was able to spend time with today (more about that later). I'm thankful that when I finish writing this, my son is waiting for me to watch a little Aggie football. I'm thankful that my Grandmommie and my Mom taught me to make chicken and dumplings...and that I smell dinner cooking.

12th Day of Thanksgiving--Prayer

Today I am thankful for prayer. I'm not going to preach a sermon about it, so you can relax. Books have been written about it, Bible studies designed around it, people have certainly argued about it. It's supposedly absent in our schools, though I'm here to tell you that isn't the case. From my earliest memories of bedtime prayers and prayers around the dinner table, to times when I have literally fallen to my knees in wordless prayer...it is a part of my life. I have gone through some times when all I could seem to utter was "Listen to my heart." When I'm facing a crisis, there are certain people that I want praying with and for me. You know those people. Our family has been blessed beyond measure with a multitude of people who pray for us and I love and appreciate every single one of them. Truly something to be thankful for.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which
transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ
Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).

Day 11--Thankful for Freedom and Those Who Preserve It

I am a little under the weather this evening...okay, a LOT under the weather. Today is going to be short and sweet. I am so very thankful for all the men and women who have served and are currently serving in our armed forces. Truly, America is the land of the free because of the brave. Thank you for your dedication and selfless sacrifice.

Day 10--Friends Are a Gift

I have been frustrated this past week or so. I haven't talked about it much, but I am extremely disappointed with the results of my procedure at this point. I know that I have to give my body at least 3 months or so to heal etc. , but thus far there is just no relief. This, combined with some added stresses at home and at school, has left me with less than a sparkly personality. It happens-- rough times come and go, physical pain comes and goes, stress comes...and stays. I admit that sometimes when I hear the alarm I cringe and this morning was no exception. Nothing seemed to go smoothly, tempers flared (insert sound of needle scratching on a record). This is supposed to be a THANKSGIVING post. My 7:30 a.m. appointment didn't show. Wait for it, wait for it...So I had time to read my email before school. And then my day turned around. I received the sweetest email from my friend Betty. I actually have about 5 sweet friends named Betty. Interesting, huh? The lady I'm talking about is my mom's best friend and has been a part of my life for a very long time. And just a quick email from her today made all the difference in my morning.

This got me to thinking about friends--and how blessed I am. There are good acquaintances, childhood friends who know WAY too much about me, older friends, younger friends, friends I don't see or talk to very often but whom I love dearly. I have new friends that I'm excited to get to know better, friends that are related to me, a friend that I'm married to, and a few friends that I didn't even know were my friends until they friended me on facebook. I have friends who have stood by me through very dark times...and I with them. Everyone should have at least one friend that you can call or text in the middle of the night...and they will answer. I do. What a gift! Thank you God for friends who just "happen" to show up when I need them most. Love you Betty!

Day 9--Thankful for Second Chances

This week I'm in the midst of parent-teacher conferences in my classroom. I am maybe one of the few teachers who actually enjoy this process. I blame it on the data loving psychologist in me or maybe it's that I've worked with families in one way or another my entire career--I don't know. For some reason I just like sitting down with parents and talking about their child and their family. Sometimes when they come in you can see the concern. But I just love to watch the smiles when I start to tell them something GOOD about their little one. Everyone has something positive about them you know. Everyone. This morning as I was walking a mom to the door, she noticed her child's name was still on yellow (our behavior chart) from the day before. Since this was at 7:30 this morning, she was concerned that he was already in trouble. I laughed and quickly moved his name back to green. I said, "We all start on green every morning." And then it hit me. Yes, yes we do. We ALL start on green every morning. No matter how difficult yesterday was, it's back to green and a fresh start. Another day, another chance. I'm thankful for second chances.

Day 8--Thank God for My Parents!

I am so thankful for my parents. This isn't just a "random thoughts", nothing-else-to-be- thankful-for kind of post. There is deep meaning and feeling behind my words today. I am grateful to the very core of my being that God gave me parents who not only love me unconditionally, but loved me enough when I was young to discipline me and teach me respect. I was not in charge...not of our household, not of any classroom, not of decision making. There were things that they knew to be in my best interest that were REQUIRED of me. If I needed a "switch" from the tree in the front yard (or any other place--my mother has been known to CLIMB A TREE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!) to remind me what was best, then that's what happened. The discipline did not "ruin" me, did not harm me in any way. I enjoy a loving, close relationship with both of my parents today. Because I was taught obedience and respect as a child, I am able to apply it in areas of my life now. God help the families around me...and thank you, Mom and Dad.

Day 7--Hope

Today our congregation shared a meal together at noon--our annual Thanksgiving meal. I know, it's a little early, but it's what we do to avoid clashing with travel plans, etc. during the holidays. Russell was required to be back on the unit today at 1:00--part of the prison's plan to allow him to keep his preaching position. This is something that our family needs and that he loves to do. He works on the unit from 6-9:30, at church from 10:00-12 or so, on the unit from 1-5:30 and at church from 6-7ish. Since he usually wakes up at 4 or so to study, and often our evenings with our church family go until 8 or so with various activities--it is a LOOOONG day.

Back to "hope" though--Russell asked Conner to give the devotional talk at our abbreviated second service after lunch today--and he agreed. As enthusiastically as any 15 year old boy asked to speak in front of people does! Conner is such an amazing person--we are watching him grow at an alarming rate right now...he is not only taller and sporting a deeper voice, but his love for the Church and his faith are growing and developing each day right in front of our eyes. He decided to speak on hope, and he did a great job. His choice of scripture, his references to a contemporary Christian song (he IS his father's son!), and his delivery were great. What REALLY filled me with hope was that in addition to Conner's talk, his friend Weston led the congregation in singing, and his friend Ryan led the closing prayer. These boys are 8th, 9th and 10th graders. In a few short years, they will be the leaders in the church. I am so thankful that each of them has the willingness and the ability to participate now. I am thankful for each kind word and hug that they received afterward today. I am thankful for the hope that they give me for our future.

Day 6 is an easy one...

November 6th, the 6th day of thankfulness is very easy for me. Ten years ago today my life became sweeter with the birth of our baby girl. I wrote about her birth last year HERE (click on the word "here" to read it Mom!) so I won't include all the details this time--just let me say that she continues to bring so much joy to our lives. She has not had an easy time with her seizure disorder the past couple of years, but she is the picture of perseverance and has a determined spirit. She also has the most loving heart of just about anyone I know. The precious pink bundle of ten years ago is growing into a kind, loving, and intelligent young lady. Truly, truly something to be thankful for.

Today I'm Thankful for....Tomorrow

I'm serious. As serious as I have ever been. I am just so thankful that today will end, and that Lord willing, the sun will rise again tomorrow. It will be Saturday--a blessed day of rest. Should our Lord decide that it is to be, Sunday we will be blessed to begin a brand new week.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases--

His mercies never come to an end.

They are new every morning--

Great is thy faithfulness.

The Lord is my portion says my soul--

Therefore I will hope in Him.

The Sound of Silence--Day 4

Today I am thankful for solitude. I realize everyone else seems to be listing their loved ones during our Thankfulness journey...and I'll get there one day. But today, I got to spend a little while alone in my house and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Except for the fact that I spent the time doing dishes and laundry, picking up after people, and trying to conquer my raging hormones, it was lovely. I crave silence--and silence is almost nonexistent in my life. As I type this my husband is having a complete conversation, out loud, with himself. He often gets up in the morning and tunes the television in our room to Fox News--then he goes into the kitchen and finds KLove on the computer there and turns up the volume so that he can hear it over Fox news. Then the drama queen starts her daily reign. On a normal day she will clash with her brother at least 12 and a half times before we leave for school. The 15 minute drive to school is sometimes tense, often quite pleasant, but ALWAYS noisy. I won't even try to describe my school day--but here are a couple of things I will tell you: 1. I have taken to eating my 30 minute (supposedly anyway) duty-free lunch in my room alone. Right now that 30ish minutes of quiet each day is the only thing standing between me and some kind of pharmaceutical intervention. 2. I have 13 students and 10 of them were named ineligible for the conduct award this week based on their behavior in PHYSICAL EDUCATION. Something is so wrong with this picture. In summary, I need quiet and today I seized the opportunity. A little peace and quiet is truly something to be thankful for.

Day 3--LOL!!

Today I'm thankful for laughter. This may be the cheesiest blog post ever, but I really am just so thankful for all things humorous. I was born with a sarcastic, dry sense of humor and I suppose it will be with me for life. Don't see myself becoming a supermodel OR losing my sense of humor at this point in the game. Thank goodness.

I read two different blogs tonight, a daily part of my routine to destress and get ready for sleep--two blogs that made me laugh so hard that I had tears. Crazy, happy tears--the kind that can lead to slightly wet pants if one who had an 11 pound baby isn't careful. Here are some things over just the past few days that have made me laugh:
1. Pictures of my nieces Brilyn and Jacelyn as Dorothy and Toto.
2. My son's teacher imitations--side splitting hilarious if you're fortunate enough to catch a performance and even funnier if you know these men and women. He doesn't do it to be rude, or in a mean way. It's all out of love.
3. Taking group pics at school yesterday. Got all the kinder kids lined up on the risers. I was placed with my back to them, where I could not see them, and told to smile and not to worry. This is what I heard--"One, two, three...CHEESE! CRASH!!!" Turned around to find an empty spot on the back row. Sorry, but it WAS funny. The risers were NOT high and no one was injured.
4. Same child made up a song to sing on the way to group pictures..."I've got a wedgie, I've got a wedgie. Oh yes I do! Oh yes I do!"
5. Caleigh. Seriously, when the child is not driving me crazy, she makes me laugh harder than anyone else in the world.

Laughing is cleansing for the soul, good for the body, and a gift.

Thankfulness--Day 2

Today I am thankful for the right to vote. I grew up in an interesting political environment--mainly in the fact that my parents cancelled out one another's votes for many years. Thank goodness for my Uncle Don--his larger than life personality, his years in public office, and that he made SURE that I knew the RIGHT way to vote! Seriously, I love this country and pray that God's blessings will be on this election.

Giving Thanks--Day 1

Oooh I debated mightily, with myself, as to whether or not I would participate in this for November 2010. I knew I would be giving thanks in my heart...but to share? Not sure. Then I reread my posts from last November. I didn't always keep up daily, sometimes I gave thanks for 2 or so days in a row. But rereading it was a powerful experience. In the midst of the chaos and stress, I felt a sense of calm...I even laughed out loud a time or two and sort of fell in love all over again with some of my blessings. In a world that doesn't always give us affirmation, we sometimes have to claim our own. I think I've made that clear of late. Counting our blessings is a great way to start. With all that being said, once you have shared in this way there's some pressure to come up with different posts. No promises, but I'm going to try to be very spontaneous and go with the first thing that pops into my mind each day for which I am thankful. Here we go...

Today I am thankful for sunrises. I saw a beautiful one this morning and it brought to mind the old saying "Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky at morning, sailors take warning." Or something like that. Interestingly, we are under a severe weather watch right now. But I digress. That sunrise spoke to me. It said: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" I think that sunrise was telling me that whatever each day holds, I am covered. Something to be thankful for.

Dreaming...

I heard the most amazing conversation in my kindergarten classroom this week. Can I just tell you that there are times that I love teaching? My favorite moments in kinder occur when they are really engrossed in a project. They get still (sort of!) and a little quieter...because you know you have to stick your tongue out at jusssttt the right angle to cut on the lines...and these conversations begin.

Student #1: "I can't quit thinking about God today. I just keep dreaming about God."

Student #2: "Huh? God? Why?"

#1: "I don't know, but I just keep thinking and thinking...about God."

Student #3: "I LOVE God!"

#2: "Why?"

#3: "Well, one time I asked him to get rid of a monster that was in my room... and HE DID!"

Giggling at the table.

#1: "Yeah, He's done that for me too. He does things like that if you ask."

#2: "Hmmmm."

I was spellbound. Captivated. Couldn't breathe as I sat nearby, pretending to be really busy. Wow! When is the last time I shared my faith like that? I don't know about you and your workplace, but mine has been stressful lately. Oh how I needed the reminder that, no matter what the adults may be acting like, there are precious souls sitting at my feet. I don't get to initiate discussions like the one I heard, I don't even get to really participate. But everything I do, every word I speak, every action and the tone of voice affect them. I am blessed with some very Godly men and women to work with. We pray for and support one another. We laugh together, and oh, do we ever cry together. We will rise above the things that are overshadowing our joy right now. Our kids need us. My prayer this weekend is for peace, for wisdom in leadership, and for energy to see this year through to completion. I pray that hearts which have been hardened and have grown cold will be broken to pieces. And that includes my own. I fully believe that those given the task of working with our children will be held accountable...not just teachers, but principals, superintendents, school board members. The kids are dreaming about God...and trying to overcome so many worldly problems on the journey of education. What are we dreaming of? Who are we working for?

A Choice

This post is from the heart. Not academic...not beautifully poetic...not even remotely profound by the world's standards. But straight from my heart.

Events of the past few weeks have brought me to this point--and I write to release. Well, to document the happenings of our family...but definitely to release as well. I have come to realize that I have been waiting in vain. For what? Peace? Healing? Understanding? Normalcy? Happiness? I'm really not sure. But driving to Seguin tonight, by myself, I had that moment that if we are honest, all have had. "What? What do you want me to do? I'm listening." And nothing happened. What did I expect? An instantaneous answer? Thunder? I kept driving. I met Regina and Steve, got the kids. The kids wanted to go to dinner and tell me about their weekend. I listened, we laughed. As we got in the car the mood changed. I think that all three of us immediately felt the pressures of the coming week...projects, deadlines, work, problems, unrest...it all came crashing in on us. That's when my answer came, maybe just a little piece of the answer. But my mouth opened, and this came out. "Hey, guys...listen to me. We all have jobs to do this week. We all have things that we are responsible for. But we can make a choice. Right now. We can decide not to let ANYTHING steal our joy." Quiet in the car. And then, "Hey, you're right Mom." Who doesn't love to hear THOSE words? A great discussion followed. About grades--we want you guys to do your best, but you know...eternity is NOT based on grades! About friendship difficulties--friends are important, and it may mean making tough choices, but even friends are NOT allowed to steal our joy! About work--when I took this job it came with a promise, unspoken and nowhere to be found in my contract, but a promise to do MY BEST for the children I teach...but my job WILL NOT and CANNOT steal my joy! We are going to get up each morning and do our best to meet our earthly commitments. But we are choosing at the end of the day to be happy--to get plenty of rest, to do things together that make us happy, to live to honor the ONLY ONE who really matters. Life in this world is fleeting...so very transient. The passing of my friend Alex was a painful reminder of that this weekend. I sent a quote to Alex by facebook message a while back. He responded with this message: "Hey...I love the quote. And Saundra, I LOVE YOU!" Life is just too short for things that don't matter. Choose joy.

Blessed and Amazed

If you are reading this blog you most likely know that the past three years have been challenging for our family. Conner's RSD and JRA, followed by Caleigh's diagnosis of absent epilepsy, and Russell's lymphoma have kept me busy. We have had a pediatric hematology/oncology specialist, a pediatric orthopedic surgeon, a pediatric rheumatologist, a pediatric endocrinologist, a pediatric cardiologist, a pediatric neurologist, a pedi. epileptologist, an adult orthopedic surgeon (2 of those), an oncologist, a psychologist (to assess our stress level), a speech pathologist (for memory issues), a physical therapist, a nurse practitioner, and 2 family practice docs. I'm probably forgetting someone. Let it suffice to say that I have not seen the doctor much in the last three years. Why? No time mostly--along with the fear that they would find something. If nobody tells me I'm sick, then I'm not sick...right?? I finally took the plunge yesterday and scheduled an appointment for myself, mainly so I could get a prescription refilled. I also thought it wise to catch up on my own care and deal with some issues that have been getting worse. I took off early from work, made it to the family practice office in the nick of time, and was told that I was rescheduled for tomorrow. I could not stop the tears from welling up. The sweet receptionist and nurse that have seen our family through much of our difficulties came to the rescue. The nurse practitioner that was instrumental in catching R's lymphoma recently moved and we now see a new NP. She was unavailable, but the one of the doctors happened to be there. I waited a few minutes and was ushered to an exam room. After asking me a couple of questions, the nurse called in the doctor. He greeted me politely, and asked: "When was your last labwork?" Tears again. "I haven't done anything except take my medication regularly in three years because..." and the whole story came out. That sweet man dropped to his knees, took both my hands in his, and began to pray for me and my family. I felt a calm come over me that I haven't felt in quite some time. He patiently explained that it is time to take care of me, and then outlined the plan. He asked about each of my family members, then excused himself to leave for a prior commitment (he drives in from another town). We have met him once before when he requested to meet Caleigh since her neurologist sends all his reports to him. It was just the most amazing thing. I have so much room for improvement when it comes to living my faith. I am going back next Thursday for a full physical. It IS time. God blesses us in such amazing ways.

Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart...

R. had scans yesterday and we saw Dr. B today for labs and follow up today. The scans show no new tumors, and the tumors etc. that he still has are not showing any growth. This is considered a stable exam. Stable exams are good exams and God, as always, is good. We discussed that R. is a cognitive therapy dropout...they completely understand. It was TOO MUCH to drive to San Antonio every week, and they really wanted him twice a week. Not happening. We are the crazy schedule family as it is--don't need more "stuff" to deal with. Our favorite research nurse ever, Jan, has moved to another location, but we liked the new person--always a plus. Russell's memory problems/cognitive difficulties were considered grade III, evidently that's bad--but she upgraded him to a II today based on our report and his ability to answer her questions about the past three months. Dr. B was a little concerned about some weight loss, but said that for now he will chalk it up to summer, heat, swimming, lawn care, stress...and watch it. I've said it a thousand times, but we SO love Dr. B. What a blessing he continues to be to us. Love that man. We celebrated our good report with lunch at Souper Salad--an old favorite of ours from our newlywed days in Austin. After lunch, we even allowed ourselves about a 1/2 hour browse of Goodwill. I always find great books for my classroom--today was no exception. Our house is quiet for the moment, but soon our dueling siblings will be home. Ugh.

Trying to Make Time Stand Still....Doesn't Work

This I know. Whether trying to hang on to your own youth, your babies, or even the fleeting days of summer vacation...time moves on. Rapidly. I was sitting in an interview this morning and the candidate made the comment, "I didn't want to be in school until I'm 40 (emphasis on the 40) or something." Yikes. Certainly there are worse things than being 40 (ish) but sometimes I just feel OLD--especially lately. My very bright and observant 9 yr. old has noticed that some of her friends have more youthful Moms. Oh, she's polite about it. Like the day she shouts from the playroom "MOM, MOM--did you know there's a cream to take away wrinkles for people over 40? Just thought you might like to know!!" Thanks sweetie. I'll keep that in mind. Next time you want something from me. Seriously, I have been struggling for almost a year now with where it is that I see myself going--mainly with my career. Too late to worry about being in school 'til I'm 40. Do I want to go back to school? Am I meant to keep teaching? Do I need wrinkle cream?

So Tired

We are home and at least 3/4 of us are very grumpy. The trip went fairly smoothly--thanks so much for the prayers. It was a reaaalllly long day, but I'll try to summarize and hit the highlights. Caleigh's EEG was very difficult this morning. It took over 2 hours due to some problems with the leads staying in the right place and a screaming baby down the hall. Caleigh usually falls right to sleep but today that was not gonna happen. They were able to see that her seizure activity has not decreased at all and that she had one episode that lasted 35 seconds--which is a long time to be unconscious while the world is still going on around you. When we saw Dr. W. this afternoon, he was really frustrated. Obviously the medication that we have her on now is not going to work. Neither have any of the others. He explained that because her epilepsy situation is rare, for the pharmaceutical companies to develop a drug for this disease would not be profitable...for them... and that in the world of prescription drugs it's ALL about the money. His words. He said that for a new drug to be developed that would help her would be a total accident. No one is going to try to do it, because there's no money in it. There is a drug that is in the pipeline so to speak that he and some other neurologists are optimistic about--but it has been held up for at least two more years due to...yep, money issues and company buy outs. So we are left with only two options. We try the one last drug that we haven't tried and it either works or it doesn't...AND if it works but causes side effects we have to take her off of it anyway. OR he offered to call in the surgeon for VNS. While the surgery isn't brain surgery, it is surgery and has its own list of concerns. We talked for quite a while and decided to give this last med a shot...he told us what to watch for and said that we would know within a month if it is going to work and if she can tolerate it. At that point, if it isn't working, we see the surgeon. He was absolutely AMAZED at her perfect TAKS scores. He cannot believe that she is doing so well, given the number of seizures and the medications. He just kept saying, "Seizures don't make you smart, these meds don't make you smart...imagine what she will be like when we get this under control." Something to look forward to...personally, I hope she becomes a scientist and develops a new medication for intractable epilepsy. And that she doesn't even care about the stupid money.

What do Michael Jackson, Masquerade, and a Ladybug Have in Common?

Caleigh Faith Briley, that's what. She is all set to light up the stage Saturday evening and again on Monday evening. She will be dancing, singing, and being her wonderful self. So who's stressing? Uh, Mom. See my posts from one year ago for a reminder of how much I DETEST all the stuff leading up to Saturday night's recital. I'm less stressed about Monday night, but still. On top of everything, Russell will be out of town Monday through Wednesday. Ugh. I had this deeply moving post all set in my head for tonight, but I think I'll save it for tomorrow. Because this day has left me exhausted and longing for my bed.

I know, I know...THIS IS LONG. My Apologies.

I decided it would be easiest to report on Caleigh's appointment here. First of all, thank you so much for all the prayers. Those prayers got us to Houston, around the medical center, and out of Houston without a hitch. That in itself was quite an accomplishment. Everyone we dealt with from the hotel to the hospital amazed us with their helpfulness and kindness. It all matters when you are already stressed and worried. I know, I'm not supposed to worry, but I seem to get caught up on being human sometimes. Here we go...
Caleigh has been diagnosed with medically intractable absence epilepsy. Meaning--she has epilepsy that is not responsive to medication. She had over 30 seizures in ONE HOUR this morning. The doctor calculated that she is probably having at least this many most hours of the day rendering her unconscious for one hour each day of her life. Crazy. He was astonished that she makes all A's and does so well in school and life in general. He said it is a testimony to her hard work and determination...she is one tough chick! There are only three medications widely used for her type of epilepsy and all three have failed for her. So we are going to now try a couple of medications NOT widely used for her type of epilepsy and see if she responds to those...if not, we will schedule surgery. She is not a candidate for brain surgery (where they remove the part of the brain responsible for the seizures) because it is her entire brain that is involved. What they will do is implant a vagus nerve stimulator in her chest, much like a pacemaker, to eliminate the problems. For now we have quite a job of titrating her off one of her current meds and instating one new one. This is easier said than done--but it will be fine. We also pray (you all can help!) that she does not develop grand mal seizures or drop seizures as some with this condition do...AND we pray that she outgrows the condition altogether in the coming years, which is very possible.
I will add also that Russ got his reports back from the testing he had regarding his memory and we have a bit of a struggle ahead for us there as well. The neurologist wants him to get neurocognitive therapy--not a bad thing, but one more thing to deal with. Basically the doctor explained that his recent illness, treatment, and the stress therein have possibly reinjured his brain. He is scheduled for MRI's etc in the coming days. I think I should just buy my own hospital...what do you think?
Sorry again that this is so long. Thanks so much for the prayers.

I Can't Think of a Title

Could someone please tell me what in the world is going on? I am forgetting passwords right and left. I couldn't even access my own blog or facebook, FACEBOOK people!!! Speaking of fb I am ticking off people I don't even know on there--well, at least this one poor grad student from another state who happened to say the wrong thing on Russell's cousin Keitha's status. When I don't feel well and I can't remember any of my passwords, the last thing I need is a conversation with a liberal. I attribute most of my life problems to cedar right now, another significant part of them to being female, and the rest to Obama. And that about covers it. I really don't have anything much to report tonight. So much for the state of the union.

I Am Sooooo Back!

And that sounded WAY more enthusiastic than it was meant to. I've been wanting to get back to the blogging world, and for some reason the night that I am whacked out on cough medicine seemed as good a time as any.

Where have I been? Why haven't I written? What's going on? 1. Around. 2. I honestly don't know. 3. If I knew that, I wouldn't be having this conversation with...well, myself. Just kind of a strange couple of months. The holidays were nice. We spent time with both sides of our family, saw all parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, everyone. School started again way too soon. Russ and I celebrated an anniversary, and then I celebrated a birthday-- two days later we marked one year since R was told he most likely had cancer. Tomorrow marks one year since the biopsy. Conner has been busy with school and bball--hindered by the fact that he somehow broke a rib and has been in quite a bit of pain. Caleigh is busy with Upward Bball and dance as well as school. R has been working, volunteering, helping me with the crazy schedule we have...he even found time to review a book recently for an author. I am still the Kinder Queen. I am finding that it doesn't get any easier as the year progresses. Yeah, somehow I thought it might. I know, crazy.

Anyway, here I am. Tell all your friends and neighbors.