The Angel on My Tree

This is not meant to be a downer post. I apologize ahead of time that it may seem that way, but I need to work through some emotions tonight. I've said many times that I blog for two reasons: one being to record life, the other for my own therapeutic reasons. Tonight it is the latter.

The Christmas season, beautiful as it is, is a time of reflection for me. If you read my blog, most likely you know this story. I need to tell it again though. For me. In September of 1998 we had just moved to Rockdale from the valley and were settling into a new ministry. Conner was 3 years old and while we had discussed having another baby, there were no immediate plans. As is often the case, God had other plans. We were excited and somewhat shocked when we found out that a new Briley was expected that following May. With the exception of some intense migraines early in the pregnancy, all seemed well. I chose an obstetrician, Dr. A., in College Station and we laughed that it was only fair that this baby be born in College Station since Conner was born in Austin. Because of the serious problems that I experienced with my previous pregnancy, my doctor was watching things very closely. In November, at a routine ultrasound, we were excited to see the baby developing as expected. Arms, legs, a beating heart...tiny but perfect--we thought. The doctor was concerned that the baby might have an intestinal problem, that things weren't as they should be. We were stunned and prayerful as we left with an appointment to return mid-December for a follow up ultrasound. One month later...an incredibly beautiful, cold and clear December day. We left Conner with a friend from church who kept him while I taught (Head Start back then) and drove the hour to my OB appointment. I remember so many things from that day--in amazing detail. My doctor, who was also expecting and due one month before me, met us with a smile. She had reviewed the ultrasound over and over, had consulted with other doctors, and the consensus was that everything was fine. She left the room and the technologist started the examination--we were so relieved and even a little hopeful that we would find out the baby's gender...though it was a little early to do so. I can still see the smile fading from her face, the look of concern that replaced the cheerful banter. "Have you been feeling okay? Any problems?" I assured her that this second trimester was going great--fewer headaches, nausea under control. She called the doctor in and they quietly studied the screen--it seemed like an eternity. Finally, with tears in her eyes Dr. A. told us that there was no heartbeat. Disbelief, pain like no other. The rest of the day was a blur, though I have some vivid details that remain to this day. She felt that it would be in my best interest to not be an hour away and have to go through the process of miscarriage, especially as I was at week 16. We needed to stay in College Station until later in the afternoon so that I could have the procedure. Not really knowing what else to do, we went to the A&M Church hoping that one of the ministers (and our friend) was there. He was not, but we were graciously allowed to use his office to call our families and make arrangements. The rest of that day, and the days, weeks, and months following were quite a journey. Grief is a process, to be sure--and every year at Christmas, and again in May, I realize that grief is not finite. With God's help, a loving and supportive husband, wonderful friends and family--I made it through the toughest part. But it never REALLY goes away. The ornament in the picture is on our tree every year. A small crystal angel that reminds us of another little angel, whole and complete--waiting to meet us.

'Twas the Stretch Before Christmas...

Yeah. Already. I was working on tweaking some lesson plans tonight and sort of had a panic attack. These three weeks upcoming have the potential to be many things. Magical? Sure. I really do get excited with and for the kids. I love decorating the classroom and my house-I love the lights, music, everything. Stressful? Afraid so. SO many commitments and things that I really want to accomplish but so little time it seems. Depressing? Mmmhmm. In case you hadn't noticed, we live in a troubled world. This is Russell's first year to be a full-time employee on the unit. He has been duly warned that we are in the middle of prime suicide time. This is also a difficult time for many of the children and families that I work with. Stinks, but it is true.

So what do we do? How do we cope? This is just a short list of things that I thought of while trying to calm my own panic--maybe it will help you too.

1. Slow down. I know, I know...physician heal thyself. But this weekend I did slow down a bit, had a little "me time" and it helped. I promise myself that I will spend some quiet time by the Christmas tree this year. Soft music, twinkling lights...and this time I won't be noticing the gaps without ornaments or how crooked the top of my tree is.

2. Forget about perfection. I mean really, REALLY forget about it. It's unobtainable and highly overrated. I was looking at props for our kindergarten play the other day and thinking that I should re-do all of them because they're a little worn. How ridiculous is that? And anyway, most of my students big brothers and sisters and cousins wore the same costumes and used the same props--they have sentimental value.

3. Do what is most important. Guess what? Not everything is that important when you really get down to it. For years I felt compelled to have an open house during the holidays. In reality, I didn't enjoy the extreme stress involved in getting my home ready to be "open"--and our friends probably saw it as one more obligation during a busy season. My Girls Only ornament exchange is something that is really important to me and my friends--so it stays! Easy as that. Oh, and bonus: These are women who know and love me and they expect my house to look like a busy woman resides in it.

I'll stop there because long lists stress me. Hope the holiday season is joyful for you and yours.

21st Day of Thanks

There isn't a concise title for this day of thankfulness. So I'm just going to throw it out there. I am thankful that I feel better than I have in weeks, actually months...maybe even years. I started noticing something during the week last week--I was ready for bed early every night, and I gave in to it but I also noticed that I felt better in the mornings. Hmmm. This weekend instead of wanting to sleep all the time, I accomplished a couple of pretty major projects. There is a spring in my step--my mind feels clearer. My best guess about what is going on is that at my physical a couple of months ago my blood work showed that I was SERIOUSLY vitamin D deficient. I was given a prescription of 50,000 iu's of vit. D to take once a week for 6 weeks. Tonight is my 5th dose and maybe I'm crazy, but I think it is making a difference. A big difference. Whatever it is that is happening, I just know that I am really, really thankful.

Day 17--I'm Thankful for the Hearts of Children

Yes, I took a two day hiatus. My heart was thankful, but my body was tired and the writing spark just wasn't there. But here's some food for thought.

This week in kindergarten our social studies unit is about wants and needs. We are also talking about Native Americans and Pilgrims, so I introduced the lesson today by reviewing/discussing what the Pilgrims needed when they made the voyage and established their new home. Yesterday my students found pictures in magazines of things that they want, and things that they need. I watched them but didn't comment on what they were cutting out. Today we sat on the floor with a poster board labelled "Wants" and "Needs" and I gave each student their pictures to glue in the appropriate column. I knew one little boy had cut out a picture of a stained glass window with the image of a cross. I was curious, but didn't ask. When his turn came to glue his picture on our project today, this is the conversation that evolved:

"What is it?"

"A church."

"Is it a want or a need?"

Incredulous look, followed by this. "A need."

"Why is it a need?"

"Because we need God. We need Him to protect us. We need church to teach us what's right and wrong. It's a need."

And that was that. These precious 5 year-old hearts amaze me. I'm not going to argue with that reasoning. I'm just not. And that's why, if you happen to walk down the hall and see kindergarten's work hanging on the wall--you will see a stained glass window and a cross amidst the carrots, milk, clothing, and houses that they cut out. Because they know what they need...and that is something for all of us to be thankful for.

Day 14--The Family of God

I am thankful for my church family today. We are a family made up of imperfect individuals. We can be slightly dysfunctional at times, but we enjoy one another's company, we take care of each other, we laugh together, we cry together. They are among the first people I call during a crisis, or to share in good times. I am very blessed to have some of my church family in my workplace. We are not many in number, but we make up for it in love. And for that I am thankful.

Day 13

Hmmmm......it isn't always easy to write during the month of Thanksgiving blog thing. Some days there are literally TOO MANY blessings to choose from. Other days I struggle to come up with anything at all. Not that there aren't things...my heart just gets hardened. Today, I couldn't decide. Here's a mid-month Thanksgiving montage.

I'm definitely thankful that my sweet Mom is at home tonight--and that her heart is fine. I'm thankful that Michelle unselfishly stayed up late last night cleaning house and doing laundry so Mom wouldn't have to. I'm thankful that I got to spend some time with my loving husband today. That doesn't happen often these days. I'm thankful that Caleigh has great friends that she was able to spend time with today (more about that later). I'm thankful that when I finish writing this, my son is waiting for me to watch a little Aggie football. I'm thankful that my Grandmommie and my Mom taught me to make chicken and dumplings...and that I smell dinner cooking.

12th Day of Thanksgiving--Prayer

Today I am thankful for prayer. I'm not going to preach a sermon about it, so you can relax. Books have been written about it, Bible studies designed around it, people have certainly argued about it. It's supposedly absent in our schools, though I'm here to tell you that isn't the case. From my earliest memories of bedtime prayers and prayers around the dinner table, to times when I have literally fallen to my knees in wordless prayer...it is a part of my life. I have gone through some times when all I could seem to utter was "Listen to my heart." When I'm facing a crisis, there are certain people that I want praying with and for me. You know those people. Our family has been blessed beyond measure with a multitude of people who pray for us and I love and appreciate every single one of them. Truly something to be thankful for.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which
transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ
Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).